Don't hit the bottle: There's something about a mother in law's arrival that has us madly rummaging for the corkscrew. Yet if relations are strained, alcohol can exacerbate tensions Mother-in-law has arrived for Christmas. Your hackles are up - and she hasn't even done anything yet. However, you know it's only a matter of time before she's muscling into the kitchen, wincing at your carrot-chopping technique and shuddering as you make bread sauce from a packet.
'The kind of work we do, it's just never done, is it?' remarked my friend Sophie's mother-in-law last Christmas as she watched her peel a mountain of spuds.
Sophie was confused. She runs the language faculty at a comprehensive school. As far as she is aware, her mother-in-law doesn't have a career.
'She refuses to acknowledge that I have a paid job, let alone one that I trained hard to do. It's another way of undermining me,' says Sophie.
If that sounds horribly familiar, you are not alone. When I ask women in their 30s and 40s - all of whom are juggling families and careers - everyone has a horror story about entertaining their mother-in-law over the festive season.
There's the one who barked 'Some people don't bother having their children christened these days' over Christmas dinner - triggering her grandchild to cry: 'Why haven't I been christened? Does it mean I won't go to heaven when I die?' Cue hot tears and the festive atmosphere killed stone dead.
Another friend tells me that when her mother-in-law came to stay last Christmas, she turned off the heater in the guest bedroom and proceeded to spend the night 'freezing to death'.
Naturally, she developed a terrible cold that dragged on until Easter, and it was all her daughter-in-law's fault 'for putting me in that cold, damp room', implying she'd been trying to kill her off.
'Having anyone to stay at Christmas is stressful,' says psychologist Dr Terri Apter, author of What Do You Want From Me? (Norton, £18.99), which explores the complexities of in-law relationships. 'You have put a huge amount of work into getting things ready and expect to be rewarded by others' pleasure in what you've done.'
Yet all too often, your mother-in-law not only fails to appreciate your efforts, but criticises. My neighbour is still annoyed by the fact that her mother-inlaw once scraped an entire meal off her plate, complaining: 'You always give me far too much to eat.'
Instead of hitting the sherry, bear in mind that your mother-in-law probably finds the festive get-together as challenging as you do.
'Your partner's mother was once his main carer, influence and provider of love,' says Tina Lamb, senior partner at Impact Factory, which specialises in personal development. 'She has been replaced by you.
'Like it or not, many women feel as if they are in competition with their daughters-in-law and find it difficult to let go.'
It doesn't make her visit easier, but it helps explain the barbed comments.
Here are ten smart ways to avoid mother-in-law meltdown this Christmas.
1 CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES
Weigh up what it would cost you to agree that, yes, of course the bacon should be placed that way on the turkey, rather than your way,' says Tina Lamb.
'You might flatter her by saying: "What a great idea. I hadn't thought of that."
'You should not be a pushover - she should never dictate what you wear or who you invite to your house. But nor is it worth fighting over which way the onions should be chopped.'
2 DON'T HIT THE BOTTLE
There's something about a mother in law's arrival that has us madly rummaging for the corkscrew. Yet if relations are strained, alcohol can exacerbate tensions.
'Judgment is impaired and we become more reactive when we are under the influence,' says Neil Shah, director of the Stress Management Society.
'We know alcohol is part of Christmas, but balance it by taking plenty of water on board. Coffee is another stimulant that can make you edgy.'
Deep breathing, perhaps in a darkened room, may help you to avoid blowing up, pressure-cooker style. And never underestimate the restorative effect of retiring to the bathroom for 15 minutes with the door locked.
3 PLAN THE DAY
You might want to kick back and relax. However, the key to cordial relations is to plan the big day.
'Make sure there's structure by factoring in games that will appeal across all age groups,' says Neil Shah.
'A walk may sound old-fashioned, but it's a great refresher when everyone has been sitting in close proximity, watching yet another re-run of The Great Escape.'
Getting out of the house also offers an opportunity to chat to and bond with your mother-in-law. Often, conversation flows more naturally than when you are crammed together on the sofa in an over-heated living room.
4 GET YOUR PARTNER TO HELP
After all, he's known her all his life. 'Ask him how you might make her visit run more smoothly,' says Tina.
'For instance, would she appreciate coming earlier, before everyone else arrives? Might she enjoy being given a chore so she feels included and useful?'
A friend complains that her mother-inlaw always demands a duster and starts wiping down the piano, 'implying that we live in filth'.
'If yours starts cleaning immediately, then ask her to do something that will actually help you,' says Tina. 'It may still annoy you, but at least it will lessen your workload.'
Remember, too, that the more comfortable she feels, the more likely she is to be on best behaviour. We tend to show our worst sides when we feel ignored or threatened.
5 DON'T ASK HIM TO TAKE SIDES
Dr Apter's research suggests that a man often sides with his mother because he perceives that she is weaker than his partner and therefore needs his support more than you do.
Maddening, yes - but it explains why he won't agree that she's an interfering old bat. He just wants to keep the peace, especially at Christmas. If his mother is causing strife, broach it with him after the holidays so you can devise a future strategy together.
6 LET HER HAVE OPINIONS
You might not agree with her views, but she is still entitled to them.
'Try to de-personalise what she says,' suggests Gladeana McMahon, a fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. 'Rather than taking everything as a personal slight, assume it's just a comment.'
She also recommends talking openly, adult to adult: 'Don't feel you should automatically agree on everything. You are aiming for a healthy, grown-up relationship, so try to communicate as you would with any other woman, always addressing her in a respectful way.'
If she still irks you - such as commenting that your skirt is awfully short - try McMahon's three-pronged approach: 'Show her that you've heard by acknowledging the comment. Say what you think, then move swiftly on.'
So you might say: 'I know, it's a bit mini for me, but I couldn't resist it. Anyway, I fancied being a bit daring today.'
Finish with a broad smile and try to avoid adding: 'By the way, your cardie is the exact colour of bile.' Naturally, your mother-in-law's dress sense is always impeccable.
Try not to read hidden messages into your gift. If she gives you an oven glove, it doesn't mean that she thinks your entire raison d'etre is to sweat over a hot stove7 WORK THE ROOM (ONE SHE'S NOT IN)
Two-thirds of British women admit they resent their mother-in-law DESPITE gargantuan efforts, you may find it impossible to maintain a sunny demeanour around his mother. 'Irritation is one of the most difficult responses to control,' says Dr Apter.
'However, being annoyed doesn't mean you have a right to be rude. In fact, you'll feel even worse if you are. The best tactic is to limit close contact with her. Talk to someone else or go to another room.'
8 DON'T READ TOO MUCH INTO HER PRESENTS
Sensitive area, this one. Last Christmas, a friend raged that her mother-in-law had not only given her an XXL dressing down, but had been put out that it didn't fit (my friend is a size eight).
My friend was seething and couldn't accept that her mother-in-law might simply have made a mistake.
Try not to read hidden messages into your gift. For instance, if she gives you an oven glove, it doesn't mean that she thinks your entire raison d'etre is to sweat over a hot stove. It simply means she's bought you an oven glove. So don't throw a tantrum about it.
9 BE KIND AND GRACIOUS (THROUGH GRITTED TEETH)
A DIFFICULT mother-in-law is rather like a challenging child who derives pleasure from annoying you. 'Don't give her the satisfaction of rising to the bait, thus confirming her belief that you are the difficult one,' says Tina. 'Be polite and gracious, no matter how angry you feel.'
10 REMEMBER THAT SHE'LL GO HOME EVENTUALLY
Once she's gone, you'll be able to take off that halo and laugh about her foibles. That's when the fun really starts.
source: dailymail
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