Why these cheating stars are a threat to your marriage too

No more chances: Cheryl Cole has now split from footballer husband Ashley - but gave him a second chance when allegations emerged he had slept with a hairdresser two years ago


The past few weeks have produced a capering procession of well-known men caught with their trousers down, while their wives are photographed with swollen eyes hidden behind fashionable shades. But you can never hide the lines of misery etched around the mouth.

Oh, Tiger Woods, John Terry, Ashley Cole, Mark Owen (and the rest), you got hitched with all the ostentation of wealth, only to be left with skinny, sad wives and a reputation in tatters.

But it's not just the cheated women who are suffering: I would argue that headlines about marriages cracking because of stupid indiscretions make adultery seem normal.

That beautiful idea of life-long commitment, which is implicit in the awe-inspiring phrase 'until death do us part', is mocked each day by the ease with which people seem to accept that, in today's world, loyalty is passe.

And the worst of it is that the men who are doing the cheating - sports stars or pop idols - are held up as gods by millions of young men, who will inevitably receive the message that this is an acceptable way to behave.

Not only that, a generation of young women will see betrayed wives such as Toni Terry and Elin Woods spending time with their errant husbands again and conclude that if material comfort is at stake, it's worth forgiving a man for almost anything.

As somebody said to me the other day: 'The thing is, nobody is shocked by infidelity any more, are they?' She went on to suggest that, as a result, there are fewer serious consequences to cheating.

You have only to look at the way the lucrative, heavily-sponsored world of golf has welcomed the tarnished Golden Boy back to realise no matter how pathetic and ridiculous a man like Tiger Woods may seem, it has no ultimate bearing on his status.

When John Terry philandered with the ex of a good friend, people were quick to defend him with fatuous comments such as: 'It's the footie that matters.'

Men will be men, they say, and men will stick together. Perhaps it has always been thus.


Role models? Golfer Tiger Woods and wife Elin Nordegren appear to be giving their relationship another go despite allegations he slept with a string of women


Some years ago, I was having lunch near the House of Commons with a senior politician, who was a family friend. He was facing the restaurant entrance but I had my back to it. We'd just ordered when he started to smile.

Two fellow (male) MPs had just come in, but had swept past our table without even acknowledging him.

He explained they had immediately seen he was lunching with a woman with long hair (his wife had short hair) so were 'being discreet'.

At the end of the meal, he made a point of introducing me. Relief all round. But the nod and the wink at possible adultery was right there. So what if they had regularly socialised with his innocent wife?

At this point, fairness compels me to point out that women will also stick together.

I know many a lady who has 'covered' for a cheating friend. They may feel uncomfortable, but will be prepared to say: 'Yes, she was with me!' Men do not have a monopoly on infidelity, but, still, it's a harsh fact that sheaves of statistics suggest more men than women admit to having had an affair.

We know that in France and Italy there has always been a tacit acceptance of the mistress.

As a well-born, rich, middle-aged Italian explained to me (with his wife listening, I hasten to add): 'The wife - she has the money, the house, the clothes, the children, the name, so why would she worry if her husband goes to another woman in secret?'

His wife added, with an expressive shrug: 'We know what men are like.' For them, the whole point was that the mistress was kept hidden. Which might not be so much fun for her.


Forgiveness: Toni Terry has taken back her husband John after allegations he had an affair with a lingerie model


It's hard to avoid thinking that some of that may come into play when John Terry's wife agrees to give him yet another last chance. As an advice columnist who often writes of the virtues of forgiveness, I would like to think Mrs Terry a saint.

But the cynical side of me whispers it's much easier to go on being a footballer's wife, taking the goodies and accepting the humiliating price in exchange for the glitz - unless you're a Cheryl Cole, who no longer needs to because she is rich herself.

Many wives (and male partners, too) take the view that a stupid one-night-stand, fuelled by drink perhaps, cannot be equated with a long deception over years.

So they try to rebuild their relationship, in the full knowledge that the marriage is changed for ever. Other people cannot stand the thought and operate a 'one strike and you're out' policy.

But it's hard not to believe that every time a famous person is seen to cheat and still keep his marriage intact, we unconsciously become a little more accepting of adultery - a little less swift to make judgments.

As a columnist dealing with human emotions, I can't help but see the many facets of the legacy of adultery.

For example, I scroll down my folder of emails from married women and read the subjects:

'Husband's affair,' 'He's walked out,' 'Can't forgive him,' 'His betrayal,' '34 years up the spout,' 'Should I fight for my marriage,' and so on. Scores of them in six months - without counting the hand-written letters. That's why it's so dangerously-wrong for anyone to believe that adultery is part of life now.

This modern tendency towards being non-judgmental (for better, for worse, as it were) shows in the very language we use. Think about it. The old words for an affair contain judgments.

'Adultery' has nothing to do with the word 'adult' but comes from a Latin verb meaning 'to make other/alter/corrupt'.

An alternative word is 'infidelity' and there within the word is the idea of broken faith.

But modern commentators (and therapists trained to withhold their personal opinions) are likely to talk about 'extra-marital sex'. Sex outside marriage.

But realistically, most of us make judgments, because when a couple split it's hard not to come down on one side or the other.



Another chance: Victoria Beckham stayed with husband David despite allegations he cheated on her with his former PA, Rebecca Loos. He denies the claims


I knew a man who left his wife of 13 years and their newborn son because he'd fallen 'in love' with a woman he'd known for a few weeks. What could I do but tell him: 'I don't want to work with you. What you've done is wrong.'

In the end, that man lost everything because he didn't value long-term love, loyalty and common sense over a whim. If that is a moral judgment, I stick to it.

But what really interests me is the wide-reaching effect of the publicity of celebrity break-ups.

Again and again, I hear a despair in 20-somethings (usually female) who say 'nobody can be trusted'. They question the whole idea of commitment because it doesn't seem to mean much any more.

Young men the same age are more likely to shy away from 'plighting their troth'.

Even if men and women have always fallen in love where they shouldn't, the rest of society didn't hear about it. Now the message shouted from the headlines is that the wedding day is just a prelude to divorce.

That seems to me to be very sad. And perhaps it's where ( remembering the dictionary definition) adultery truly does 'corrupt'.

Adultery can mean a 'bit on the side' or a thunderbolt which shatters three or four hearts. It can cause terrible guilt and a conflict between duty and love - and remind us of the painful truth that there are different types of love.

But if infidelity is as old as marriage, the more it becomes a staple diet of the media the more we will all come to accept it - and that's the saddest thing of all.


source: dailymail