This week, Doc Love helps a man understand why saying "I love you" (among other things) ultimately led to the deterioration of his relationship.reader's question
Hey Doc,
I’m a heartbroken dumbass. Here’s my sad story:
Carmen and I hit it off like crazy right away. We started dating a couple of times a week, went on a trip to Costa Rica (she was a travel agent) and within six weeks she was telling me that she loved me. At the time, she was depressed due to her parents’ divorce, and she was on meds and seeing a therapist (which I didn’t know). To me, she was just cute and fun. I wasn’t sure how I felt for the first few months, so, I just let her keep chasing me. I never once mentioned the “love” word back. As per your advice, I kept things light and fun. It was amazing how much she adored and chased me, and followed my lead. We had six months of great experiences, traveling the world and having a good time.
Then, one night, after we were out drinking (she was kind of a barfly), Carmen came to me and asked if I wanted to date other people because she said that sometimes it seemed like I did. So I said to her, “Do you?” and she said in an almost exasperated tone: “No -- I love you!” I realized at that moment that I loved her too and said so -- and we agreed to be exclusive. The next week she turned 30 and I sent her flowers. She loved it.
not trying anymore
The week after that, her job tanked and she sank into a really deep depression. She started taking lots of Prozac and she was stressed out all of the time. Suddenly, she stopped flirting with me through e-mail, which we had done every day. I felt her pulling away and I thought it was because of her depression. I tried talking to her and telling her to communicate if there was anything we needed to work on, but she didn’t say much. The truth is that she’s not much of a communicator. I just felt something was off. A couple of weeks later, when I asked her again what was going on, she said: “I don’t have to try anymore because I know you’re already interested.” I was shocked; I realized this was bad, bad, bad, but I didn’t know what to do.
In short, I think that Carmen chased me because I was a Challenge. Once she knew for sure how I felt, she stopped trying. On top of that, I became too available and passive. Thus, her Interest Level dribbled away. A couple of months later, after 10 months together, she told me out of the blue: “I don’t want to be in a relationship.”
she’s moving on, i'm not
This began many months of me hanging around trying to “re-attract” Carmen. She kept calling me, hanging on to me and not wanting to let go, but she was dating other people -- about 12 or 13 guys. She kept acting like we were going to get back together. I was in full rejection/wuss mode, so nothing got better and she never did want to come back to me, of course. Finally, I went into no-contact mode to try and heal.
During this time, a friend of hers set her up with a guy who is the CEO of his own company in San Francisco. After four weeks of flying up there to see him, he asked her to move into his house. She quit her job and left her life in L.A. behind and she’s now up there living with this dude -- happily ever after, I suppose.
Now I’m trying to pick up the pieces. I know I screwed up. What should I have done to avoid this fate, so that the next time I won’t repeat the same mistakes?
Sol - who’s still crying over her
doc love's answer
Hi Sol,
Let me tell you something, my friend: Everybody hits it off on the first date. Because the first date is the best date. So, this is nothing unusual. But as the old Chinese proverb goes: “From there on, it’s all downhill, grasshopper!”
missing the red flags
Now, I hope you and this babe went to Costa Rica after you dated for at least six months. Otherwise you’re coming on too heavy and too fast. This is a big no-no if you’ve read my materials. But you didn’t take it slow, did you, Sol? I know you didn’t really take it slow because you were blindsided by the fact that Carmen was seeing a shrink and taking pills to straighten her head out. These are huge red flags, but you didn’t see them because you plunged in with this girl way too fast, even if you think you were going slowly. Like my cousin General Love says: “On the battlefield, you can never be cautious enough.”
However, before you lost control of yourself, you played it perfectly by being a Challenge to Carmen. This is what you should do for the next 40 years when you’re married. Continue to let her chase you, even though she’s your wife. And by the way, I can certainly see why you’d want to hold onto Carmen. She’s a barfly who lives on pills and is seeing a shrink. She sounds absolutely fantastic!
The next huge red flag you missed was when Carmen asked you if you wanted to see other people. To you Psych majors, this is called projection. Seeing other people is what she’s thinking, Sol. Seeing other people never entered your mind because you were happy with her. Right here, you should have figured out that you were going down. At this point, you should have backed off and gone back to dating Carmen once a week, and hoped to God you could have brought her Interest Level back up. When a babe mentions anything about dating other people, her Interest Level is 51%. However, she still went ahead and said, “I love you,” which in Womanese means: “You’re on the way out!” And that’s when you cracked, dude. Here you have a woman with 51% Interest Level and you’re telling her you love her in hopes of driving her Interest Level up. Saying “I love you” does not raise Interest Level. It achieves exactly the opposite.
her Interest Level is dropping
You shouldn’t have been e-mailing Carmen to begin with because it kills Challenge. She wasn’t pulling away from you because of her depression over her parents’ divorce and her job tanking. Her Interest Level was in the 50s and it was ready to go into the 40s. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “The reason this girl was so depressed is because she wanted to get away from you and she hadn’t figured out how to do it yet.”
Women don’t know how to communicate in a conventional way when it comes to love. They don’t know how to say: “My Interest Level used to be 95%, but now it’s only 51%; next week it’s going to be 49% and you’re going to be out.” They don’t know how to say: “Back off so my Interest Level can go back up.” If you had my program memorized, when Carmen’s Interest Level went from 95% to 85%, you would have known enough to back off and it would have shot back up to 95%. However, when it’s 95% and drops to 51%, it doesn’t shoot back up fast, if at all. You have a long way to go and a lot of work to do to get it back into the 90s.
Sol, what you didn’t understand was that Carmen was communicating with you. She didn’t verbalize her feelings, but you should have read her body language and the way she reacted to you -- in that sense she was a great communicator. But you were looking for verbiage.
don’t say “I love you”
When Carmen told you she didn’t have to try anymore because she knew you were interested, you were finished. She was telling you that you were boring and predictable. That’s why you never say “I love you” to a woman. Not saying it gives her something to chase, even after marriage and six kids.
Your problem is that you only read my book once or twice. You didn’t read it 15 times and memorize it, otherwise you would have seen all of this coming. Most guys think: “Oh, I’m just going to be myself and everything’s going to work out fine.” But it doesn’t work that way. What’s really sad is that you had my program and could have prevented what ultimately happened.
Sol, you wasted 10 months of your life -- 10 months when you spent all kinds of money and could have hustled other women’s phone numbers. And again, you had “The System,” so you had no excuses.
Once Interest Level hits 49%, there’s no “re-attracting” anything. You’re out forever -- gone. She was dating 12 or 13 guys? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You better hope that’s all there were.” The yo-yo she had you on is what happens when Interest Level is between 40% and 49%, and she’s handing you what’s called false hope. It’s a complete waste of time and energy. You should have gone into no-contact mode six months earlier. Like most losers, you went into that mode too late.
What should you do to prevent a beating like this in the future? Read my book 15 times.
Remember, guys: Most men can get a woman to fall in love, but they can’t keep her in love.
To hear my LOVE RADIO SHOW, send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System” visit me at www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644. For the past 30 years Doc Love has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?
source: askmen.com
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